Don't Suffer Alone
by btamamura
Summary: It kills Gojyo to see Hakkai go through solo suffering every time it rains. Hakkai needs to be reminded he's not alone anymore. Shounen-ai. 58. Gojyo x Hakkai. Slight language warning


**Disclaimer: **_I do not own Saiyuki or the characters. They are the property of the wonderful Minekura Kazuya-sensei._

**Notes: **_**I know these have been done so many times before, but I find that people can't really go wrong with a fic that's basically **__it's-raining-so-Hakkai/Sanzo-is/are-depressed-and-Gojyo/Goku-try-to-make-them-feel-better__**. I thought I might give my own a try. **_

_**This is set following my previous fic **_**Rings of Promise**_**, so Gojyo and Hakkai are a couple. Because of that, here's the warning - there is a male x male relationship in this, so if you don't like Gojyo and Hakkai being in a romantic relationship, please leave now. If you don't mind it or pretty much ship them as hard as you can, this fic may be for you! Also, slight language warning, courtesy of our dear ero-gappa. Enjoy!**_

It was raining. Always raining as of late. Gojyo had to curse the monsoon season. Why? Because rain meant two very unhappy men, and two men who worried over them.

He could hardly hear a thing from the next room, meaning Goku was not bothering the moody Sanzo. That was a slight relief.

He turned to the brunette sitting by the window, eyes focusing on something distant. He knew what it was. He always knew. He hated it.

After four years, Hakkai had allowed himself to love someone again. But, it seemed not even that was capable of putting the memories of _that_ night to rest. The rain would always trigger the past in the youkai's mind; the rage as he slaughtered over a thousand human and youkai lives, the relief when he found Kanan was still alive, the shock when she told him she was impregnated with her captor's child...and the immense sorrow when she used _his own knife_ to free herself from pain.

Gojyo growled to himself as he noticed the blank eyes becoming glassy with unshed tears. He hated seeing Hakkai do this to himself whenever rain fell from the sky. He approached his beloved, intent on breaking him from the self-destructive cycle.

A tear slipped down his cheek, he wasn't even aware of it. He was stuck in the memories. How he'd clutched the bars to Kanan's cell, screaming for her, slipping to his knees and releasing cries that barely expressed his heart breaking as he watched her bleed to death. The mocking voice behind him.

"Hakkai, I'm not gonna allow you to do this to yourself any more!"

The memories shifted. Lying on a road, guts literally spilling out of him. Red.

He turned the brunette's chair so he would no longer face the window. He took his hand. "Come back to the present, 'Kai..." He raised the hand to his left cheek, allowing the fingertips to touch the twin scars. Hakkai was the only one, aside from himself, who was allowed to touch them, just as he was the only one allowed to touch Hakkai's.

What was once the colour of admonishment, the colour of blood, has shifted to a warmer, welcoming symbol. Eyes full of hidden pain, yet there's something else. Something that was once only visible in green eyes that matched his own.

"Come on. Come back to me."

Love. It was love. Deep, pure love. That which had been yearned. That which had finally been shared. That which had been earned after many years without it. All for him.

Gojyo saw as Hakkai's eyes became more full of life. "'Kai?"

He blinked slowly as he came to his senses. "Go...jyo..." His voice was a little rough.

"You back now?"

He realised the sensation under his fingertips. The rough, cracked skin that rose slightly from the rest. He willingly ran his fingers along them, allowing them to ground him to his present reality. The ring on his finger glinted in the moonlight. "Did I go somewhere?"

"Back to the past." He leaned forward, allowing his forehead to rest against Hakkai's. "You've gotta stop doing that to yourself. Aren't I enough?"

He hadn't been aware the past rainy nights that his actions brought pain to his best friend, now beloved. He couldn't know because Gojyo would shut it in before he returned to his current days. But, hearing Gojyo ask that and seeing the raw pain in the hanyou's eyes finally told him the truth.

"Even now, even after you've allowed yourself to love again, you still relive that night alone. I thought you'd have known by now that you're not alone. Not anymore. You haven't been since the night I found you. We're four years past that, and you still haven't clued in." He closed his eyes and cupped Hakkai's cheeks in his hands, using his thumb to wipe away the thin trail of moisture that barely dried.

"Do you _want_ me to _forget_?"

"No. She was precious to you, and I understand that. I'm not saying you should _forget_, I'm saying that you shouldn't force yourself to remember everything alone. Talk to me, I'll listen. I'll hold you, allow you to cry on my shoulder. Just...don't shut me out anymore. It kills me to see you suffer alone."

"Gojyo..."

"Whatever you want us to do, we will. I just want you to let me in for once."

He sniffed slightly as his tears ceased flowing from his eyes. He wrapped his arms around his dear hanyou and smiled. Not a plastic one, nor one that reached his eyes. But, tiny as it was, it was genuine.

Gojyo opened his eyes, allowing his crimson to meet with Hakkai's emerald. He saw the smile, and allowed himself to mirror it. "You gonna remember this from now on?"

"I will."

"If you put yourself through solo suffering again, I'll kick your ass, got it?"

"Only if I can do the same. If I'm not allowed to face the past alone, then neither are you."

"Deal." He pulled back, just enough so their foreheads were no longer touching, but they were still intimately close. "Can I kiss you now? Or would you like to wait?" Gojyo knew Hakkai usually preferred to avoid intimacy on rainy nights, especially after remembering the loved one he couldn't save. He didn't want Hakkai to feel forced into it.

Hakkai responded by liplocking his beloved hanyou. Though the rain was still falling outside, the kiss was not to forget the pain. It was to show genuine affection to the love before him; the one who should never leave him lest he once again self-destruct. He knew that if he should do so again, there would be no way to pull himself back from the darkness. Not without him.


End file.
